I'm unsure as to how to begin here...there's a lot of Things I Want To Say and I feel rather limited by mere words trying to express them. That makes no sense, but it's also entirely my point. I'm just on the edge of something BIG something that will shift everything I've come to know about myself. This has happened before it's a normal part of learning and growing after all.

Those all felt...smaller than this though. Tiny epiphanies that helped me deal with life. Breaking out of the confining religious mold of my parents, some personal stuff that's hard to share. This is different something that I've always felt about myself is shaking loose. Something that always held me back when I would start to list the good things about me. The nagging voice in the back of my head that said I wasn't good enough, and that my forceful personality was a problem.

My recent travels to Portland seemed to have shaken a few ideas loose. With the help of a recently made friend I'm coming to understand that what my mom and step-dad posed as a problem is in fact an asset. I'm not Too Much, I'm just right. If people can't deal then well they were never able to accept me in the first place. And if they can't accept me then they weren't really interested in me in the first place. That isn't to say that I'm going to stop being me. I'm still more inclined to bring positivity to the internet/life in general, but I'm NOT a wallflower.

I think I'm finally ready to accept that I am so much more that I've billed myself. I'm Kayla a sweet, talented, force of nature. It's time I stopped playing around the edges of all I could be.

Yeah

dear twitter/skype friend,

Stop being cute, and smart, and funny and being the cause of so many of my geeky turn ons. Stop it right now. Most of all stop living close to me. It's getting really distracting and I don't need to be harboring a crush on you.

Thanks,
Me

Yeah so my rambling is done, but yeah things going on bein' all distracting and stuff. Heh. I'm so screwed.

... Confession Time

I don't know why I'm doing this. I don't plan on showing anyone this side of me. The side that questions. The side that is honestly uncertain as to what she believes right now. I hurt. A lot. Lately it's been getting harder and harder to connect to people I used to feel so close to people I used to rely on and think of as my safety net. My surrogate family. I'm talking about my church of course. Ah why am I clarifying? I know what I mean, and I'm the only one who is actually going to be reading this.

I guess the reason why I'm doing this whole project at all is to just get my words out. Without having someone else as a sounding board. Without worrying about if the things I've been saying are thoughts that come from me or one of my vastly more cleaver friends. Most of all I want my faith back. I want to be able to go to my church and be with the friends I've loved so much for so long and not feel inconvenient, disgusted, and detached from the whole process.

I'm afraid that somehow I can't go back to how it used to be. These past couple of years have seen me through a lot of changes. Some good, some well...you get the idea. None of that would be a bad thing, it's hardly new to me after all. One of the consequences of Saying the Magic Words when you were four I guess. I've weathered through some pretty tough crappy times in my life. Things that make this last few years look like a walk in the park really. Now however I'm missing something. My creativity seems to have drained out of me and I just don't know why. What's happened to me? I was doing great in 2008, hell I was even still holding on in 2009. What exactly has 2010 done to me? Why the sudden depression and inability to do even the barest of socialization?

I'll be honest I've never been good at this whole blogging my thoughts thing. I'm not a journal writer in general and part of me has never really seen the point of such interspective tangents. I don't really have faith that I'll keep this going. Usually nothing really comes out of these three A.M. bouts of psudo-creativity, but something's GOT to give here. I can't keep living in a creative dry spell. You I named this URL I-give-up-seriously out of sheer frustration, but it's oddly fitting. I give up. I. Give. Up. Screw trying to handle everything by hiding away in a corner. Screw editing myself to look good for people who let's be honest will never find this journal anyway. Well there you have it. An entire rambly, poorly worded, atrociously consrcted blog post by yours truly. And I couldn't careless.

See you tomorrow me.