Hrm Yeah I Guess I DO Need To Talk About This

*Sigh* I really don't want to be making yet another blog post about "Waaaah I have relationship issues. Waaah everyone is leaving me." because while the first part is undoubtedly true the second part really, really isn't. I'm not doing as bad as I was on Monday, I feel like I have more perspective and am way more grounded. I just still feel a sense of loss and moroseness lurking just under the surface of my "I'm fine, no really I am."

As I mentioned before the core of my abandonment issues stem from my father. I love my dad, he understands me and I understand him, but some of the things he did in search of emotional/financial/mental stability have left some Marianas Trench level scars in my life. One of which would be the twinge of sadness and worry I feel whenever someone close to me starts becoming busy. Especially if that busy involves someone they're interested in. It sort of ties into the reason I'm so reluctant to start romantic relationships myself (along with a host of other things I'm never going to write about one here.)

It's selfish and unfair for everyone involved. But I have no idea how to get over it other than constant reassurances from the other party. Which can't happen because they're busy. And I start feeling like a needy and whiny and far too codependent for my own good. There's also the compulsion to shut down and not address the problem at all rather than reach out and address the problem at hand. I have a tendency to hide behind the mask of "I'm fine really" rather than express the hurt I'm feeling. I do this until it all boils over in one great spout of anger. I'm getting better at reaching out, but still I feel like it's stupid and silly to do so. Like I'm encroaching on time that could be better spent NOT making others deal with my neuroses...

I CAN get through this. I AM getting better, I'm no longer wracked with worry that people are going to leave me behind. But it's still a thing. It still hurts in ways I can't quite express. I wish I had a different brain.

Addendum to the previous blog post

I'm more stable now. Not BETTER. Deep seated Abandonment Issues don't just disappear after all and it'd be completely unreasonable to assume that they will. I do however feel the need to state that I'm on more even ground now. I can get through this and come out stronger the person (well people really) in question won't be gone forever. And in a way it's good that they aren't around near constantly right now. I need to stop using people as a crutch and learn to stand on my own two feet damn it.

In all seriousness I'm happy for my friends who are doing well for themselves. I just don't want to be left behind is all...which means I need to start putting myself out there more. Take some risks and forge new alliances and friendships while my other friends are off spinning their lives the way they want them to be. Just please don't forget me OK guys...