Time keeps passing and things keep changing

I just realized that this weekend marks a fairly major turning point in my life. This was the weekend where I decided I wanted to hop on yet another Greyhound bus to meet up with another internet friend. I had no idea how much my life would change, all I knew was that life in Eugene had begun to be intolerable and I wanted OUT. My tendency to over-romanticize things is not lost on me, however somethings even looking back on them from this point still feel like fate.

Everything about me has changed. Well...the way I view and express myself has changed a lot. In many ways I feel like I've grown up and grown past a lot of the things that were weighing me down last year. I am more able to stand on my own two feet and I know that I can weather the storms in my life with a little help from my friends. I've learned that getting help from my friends is not a bad thing, that sometimes it's what you need in life. My lot in life is so much more stable than it was this time last year. I am so very grateful that I chose to come up here and meet someone who had been very important to me over the course of my self discovery.

And yet I just can't shake this feeling that I am so much less interesting as a Known Entity. That my ideal self is so far short of who I am. I've lost something dear to me and I'm not sure I can get it back. I'm not sure I actually want to as a matter of fact. I don't know why I feel this way. This weird patina of disappointment and disillusionment that colors all of my triumphs. Perhaps it's that I've let a lot of things go, some of my dreams have seemed to die. I've come to realize that always always dreaming and never doing is really depressing. I've also come to realize that my biggest problem is that I don't leap to take opportunities the moment they are presented to me.

I'm tired of it. I'm tired of passively accepting things. I'm tired of falling into depression and avoiding everything because it's too hard. I'm tired of feeling like I put on this fantastic first impression only to be a total let down later. Mostly though I'm tired of never getting anywhere with what I want to do with my life. I'm tired of this pervasive feeling of wrongness every time I let myself really shine. I'm tired of sitting in the background and taking whatever it is that people tell me. I wanna go. I wanna do. I want to be me. I want to feel like I'm actually experiencing life and gaining knowledge that makes me happy.

Fuck feeling like I'm disappointing people. Fuck feeling like my thoughts/opinions/talent are less important than those of others. I am doing better than I ever have in life and it's time to stop moping about the could haves, should haves and would haves in life. Tomorrow is another day and another chance to do what I've set out to do. Also I need to sleep. Good night brain.

Um...update? Wow it's been awhile

So writing a blog almost entirely for yourself means that it falls by the wayside for a few months...also it gets a bit silly talking to myself all the time, but I shall try to update this thing more often.

So in the last um...almost three months I have:
1.) Found a job at a Subway store.
2.) Got fed up with said Subway job and the various shit I had to put up with there (seriously no schedule  SERIOUSLY?!)
3.) Answered a call for emergency stage hand work.
4.) Got to go to a Lights concert!!!!
5.) Moved into a smaller apartment.
6.) Have managed to get enough work to pay not only this months rent, but next months as well. FINALLY.

And yet for all of that I still feel conflicted...things have settled down. For once in almost three years I feel like things are actually going right. I've managed to live here in Portland for six months which I believe is about two months longer than I have ever managed on my own before. And yet...I dunno something is missing. My life is not  yet as complete as I'd like it to be. I'm so far away from where I need and want to be. I'm still barely making rent so paying back debts is a bit out of the question.

I still haven't really found (nor have I honestly been looking) a church to call my own. I dunno every time I think about it I just freeze. Maybe it's just that I"m scared that whatever church I'm going to find is going to reinforce the damaging messages I've spent the better part of this year trying to get away from. Perhaps I'm still struggling with whether or not I actually want to continue to call myself a Christian at all. So much of what I hear from/about other Christians these days is such awful, hurtful, harmful things that I just can't help but turn my head away in disgust.

And then there's the guilt. I feel like my success is coming at the expense of a friend I care very much about. I don't like this feeling, and I can't shake the idea that if I weren't around he'd have a better chance at getting jobs. The one thing I'm still absolutely paralyzed about is being a burden, or somehow detrimental to people's lives. I know that I've shown up/taken the jobs because I really need the money and that I'd be screwed right now if I hadn't gotten extremely lucky, but I still just can't help the feeling that I'm somehow fucking up someone else's life. Like maybe I always do this to people. I drain them dry and leave them by the wayside once I move on with my life.

I hate this feeling. I wish I was a different person. One who didn't care about this stuff. One who could look on their choices and be proud that I'm making good ones and that I can at least support myself a little bit. Instead I'm the type of person who looks at someone else struggling and becomes plagued with guilt at the fact that I'm contributing to those struggles. AHHHH BRAIN. KNOCK IT OFF. YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOU. NO ONE ELSE. YOU ARE NOT THE CAUSE OF SOMEONE ELSE'S MISERY. STOP BEING SO HARD ON YOURSELF FOR FUCKS SAKE.

... I don't think that capslocking to myself is going to work this time. *sigh* Oh well.