So writing a blog almost entirely for yourself means that it falls by the wayside for a few months...also it gets a bit silly talking to myself all the time, but I shall try to update this thing more often.
So in the last um...almost three months I have:
1.) Found a job at a Subway store.
2.) Got fed up with said Subway job and the various shit I had to put up with there (seriously no schedule SERIOUSLY?!)
3.) Answered a call for emergency stage hand work.
4.) Got to go to a Lights concert!!!!
5.) Moved into a smaller apartment.
6.) Have managed to get enough work to pay not only this months rent, but next months as well. FINALLY.
And yet for all of that I still feel conflicted...things have settled down. For once in almost three years I feel like things are actually going right. I've managed to live here in Portland for six months which I believe is about two months longer than I have ever managed on my own before. And yet...I dunno something is missing. My life is not yet as complete as I'd like it to be. I'm so far away from where I need and want to be. I'm still barely making rent so paying back debts is a bit out of the question.
I still haven't really found (nor have I honestly been looking) a church to call my own. I dunno every time I think about it I just freeze. Maybe it's just that I"m scared that whatever church I'm going to find is going to reinforce the damaging messages I've spent the better part of this year trying to get away from. Perhaps I'm still struggling with whether or not I actually want to continue to call myself a Christian at all. So much of what I hear from/about other Christians these days is such awful, hurtful, harmful things that I just can't help but turn my head away in disgust.
And then there's the guilt. I feel like my success is coming at the expense of a friend I care very much about. I don't like this feeling, and I can't shake the idea that if I weren't around he'd have a better chance at getting jobs. The one thing I'm still absolutely paralyzed about is being a burden, or somehow detrimental to people's lives. I know that I've shown up/taken the jobs because I really need the money and that I'd be screwed right now if I hadn't gotten extremely lucky, but I still just can't help the feeling that I'm somehow fucking up someone else's life. Like maybe I always do this to people. I drain them dry and leave them by the wayside once I move on with my life.
I hate this feeling. I wish I was a different person. One who didn't care about this stuff. One who could look on their choices and be proud that I'm making good ones and that I can at least support myself a little bit. Instead I'm the type of person who looks at someone else struggling and becomes plagued with guilt at the fact that I'm contributing to those struggles. AHHHH BRAIN. KNOCK IT OFF. YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOU. NO ONE ELSE. YOU ARE NOT THE CAUSE OF SOMEONE ELSE'S MISERY. STOP BEING SO HARD ON YOURSELF FOR FUCKS SAKE.
... I don't think that capslocking to myself is going to work this time. *sigh* Oh well.
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