Ah yes rainbows and euphoria can only get me so far. I find myself struggling with both issues right now in spite of the fact that I have come to realize that I am awesome and have nothing to feel sorry for. I know the root of these problems. It's just difficult to deal with. Like I kind of don't want to be writing this blog right now. I'd rather be doing something ANYTHING than facing these issues head on.
Over the last few days I can't shake the feeling that I'm an ungrateful pest. That I'll never find a normal healthy relationship. That I destroy everything I touch. Fuck I hate feeling this way. I hate feeling needy and unwanted. I know it's not true. My friends love me. I have value and worth, but still I feel...abandoned, used, discarded. It's not just one thing. It's a lot of little tiny things that almost everyone does.
I should back up and explain. I have these issues because of my relationship with my father. Yeah while I don't have the traditional Daddy Issues I do have a shit ton of issues regarding my father. Most of them I won't get into right now. This one only rears its ugly head when my friends are doing great in their lives. When they are all busy and don't seem to need my shoulder. I hate that I feel this way when I SHOULD be feeling happy for them.
I hate this self-pitying bullshit and yet I can't shake the feeling that I'm being left in the dust. I honestly have no idea what to do with these feelings. I feel selfish and like a horrible human being for feeling this way. Like I've expected too much from people. Like it's my own damn fault for relying on others so much. Fuck I should know better than this. Why can't I be happy for the people I love when their lives are going well? On the other hand why can't I be there for other people I love without blowing up in their faces?
I guess the root question is why the hell am I such a screw up? Why can't I ever be normal? Yeah I know I talk a good game about screwing being normal and how being weird and interesting is awesome, but deep down I'd dearly love to be normal in the way I do close relationships. I feel like an emotional black hole. I keep sucking in all the positive things around me but none of it can escape my self-loathing gravity. I can't seem to give back.
Ahhhhh. STOP WITH THE SELF PITYING BULLSHIT KAYLA. JUST GROW UP FOR FUCKING ONCE AND LEARN TO DEAL WITH THIS SHIT. STOP TRYING TO GRAB SYMPATHY. STOP BEING JEALOUS THAT OTHERS ARE DOING BETTER THAN YOU AND. JUST. DEAL.
Shit. This isn't working. I just feel worse now. I'm going to stop writing before I start really tearing myself down. I'll revisit these issues when I have a clearer head. For now I think I just needed to spew words.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Sunday, January 30, 2011
What I Believe
AH! So I have returned to the original purpose of this blog. Which was to sort out what I believe and why. Which means that it's list time I suppose. I do loves me some lists, but this one is going to be harder for me. So much of my life has been taken up by my beliefs ones that have both done me a lot of good and ones that have done me harm. So let's start with the positives shall we.
I believe...
1. That there's a God who loves me: I've experienced too much in my life not to believe this part. Sure I've encountered a lot of hardships along the way, but ultimately my life has turned out positively. I am able to learn and grow even through the times that seem tough.
2. That I need to be doing real good in the world: Whether it be volunteering at homeless shelters, or giving my time to those that need it the fact that is that I need to be proactive and positive in my approach to others. This is Important. So many of my fellows seem to neglect this part and it's a shame.
3. Treating people like they matter is important: Yeah it's sad that I have to state this as one of my core beliefs. It's sad because it should be left unsaid, a total no brainer, a given. But it isn't. And I've had it with my fellows looking down on others because they don't fit into their little box. You know what neither do I so screw that noise.
So I guess it's time to list what I don't believe.
1. Abstinence: Yeah I've never had sex before, but the whole concept of religiously enforced abstinence is one that's fucked with my head for far too long. Others don't get to dictate to me what I do or don't do in my relationships. That is for me and the other person to decide together.
2. That gay people are going to defile everything: Oh come on really?! Really? Yeah I'm calling bullshit on this one.
Hrm I think that's it for now. But like these are kind of huge. I think I can live with these simple guidelines and look for a good community to support me on this.
I believe...
1. That there's a God who loves me: I've experienced too much in my life not to believe this part. Sure I've encountered a lot of hardships along the way, but ultimately my life has turned out positively. I am able to learn and grow even through the times that seem tough.
2. That I need to be doing real good in the world: Whether it be volunteering at homeless shelters, or giving my time to those that need it the fact that is that I need to be proactive and positive in my approach to others. This is Important. So many of my fellows seem to neglect this part and it's a shame.
3. Treating people like they matter is important: Yeah it's sad that I have to state this as one of my core beliefs. It's sad because it should be left unsaid, a total no brainer, a given. But it isn't. And I've had it with my fellows looking down on others because they don't fit into their little box. You know what neither do I so screw that noise.
So I guess it's time to list what I don't believe.
1. Abstinence: Yeah I've never had sex before, but the whole concept of religiously enforced abstinence is one that's fucked with my head for far too long. Others don't get to dictate to me what I do or don't do in my relationships. That is for me and the other person to decide together.
2. That gay people are going to defile everything: Oh come on really?! Really? Yeah I'm calling bullshit on this one.
Hrm I think that's it for now. But like these are kind of huge. I think I can live with these simple guidelines and look for a good community to support me on this.
Tumble, tumble, tumble
Ahh OK first off financing the major move is looking less bleak because I GOT A FREAKING WINDFALL OF TAX MONIES!!! So there's at least some good news to report. However I'm afraid this post isn't going to be all rainbows and sunshine. I have a lot of stuff I need to deal with. And while I know I can't solve all of my problems in one fell swoop I do at least need to get the ball rolling.
All of the issues that have been brought to my attention in the last two-ish weeks are relationship issues of varying stripes. Some of them I feel comfortable talking about here, some of them just aren't suited for a public blog that while yes only one other person reads, still seems a bit like airing my dirty laundry out for everyone to see. So not gonna happen. Those will have to be dealt with in a different more privet manner it seems.
OK so I guess that narrows it down considerably. First off is my issues with Co-Dependency. This is one of the biggest ones keeping me paralyzed by the idea of romantic relationships. And it seeps into my platonic ones as well. Once I begin to trust someone it's like I forget how to function as my own person. It's the dark side of being a chameleon and something that I desperately need to squash if I have any hope of establishing stable connections. Like I'm great when meeting new people. They're fascinating and I can learn a lot about them while maintaining my distance, but the longer I know someone and the more I know about them...something changes in my brain.
I need to find my own balance, and my own sense of self-worth and I truly believe that I'm making progress towards this goal. It's just a long hard battle to fight. Every time a friend is busy that doesn't mean I've done something wrong. It just means that they're busy. I'm worth having as a friend and I can maintain a sense of self and self-worth without them being there. I actually believe that, or at least I'm starting to.
On the same token I need to stop reacting violently towards friends I've come to think have slighted me somehow. This is mostly in regards to one particular friend. And yeah she has her own issues, but really I don't make them any easier. I need to stop taking my pent-up frustrations out on them and start realizing that all they're doing is trying to show how much they care. Sure the friend in question has issues too, but there isn't anything I can do about those issues. I can only deal with how I react, and if I want to be seen as an adult then I need to calm the fuck down.
Those two issues may seem like they're on opposite ends of the spectrum from each other, but I'm starting to think that the underlying issue is the same. I don't know what it is yet, but I intend to go forward into figuring it out. I need to if I'm going to survive in a city on my own soon. I'm no good to anyone in my present mental state and I need to fix it. I'm starting to believe I can without breaking.
OK this post might not make any actual sense, but I think it's helping. I'm on the verge of figuring something out...just need to go a bit deeper.
All of the issues that have been brought to my attention in the last two-ish weeks are relationship issues of varying stripes. Some of them I feel comfortable talking about here, some of them just aren't suited for a public blog that while yes only one other person reads, still seems a bit like airing my dirty laundry out for everyone to see. So not gonna happen. Those will have to be dealt with in a different more privet manner it seems.
OK so I guess that narrows it down considerably. First off is my issues with Co-Dependency. This is one of the biggest ones keeping me paralyzed by the idea of romantic relationships. And it seeps into my platonic ones as well. Once I begin to trust someone it's like I forget how to function as my own person. It's the dark side of being a chameleon and something that I desperately need to squash if I have any hope of establishing stable connections. Like I'm great when meeting new people. They're fascinating and I can learn a lot about them while maintaining my distance, but the longer I know someone and the more I know about them...something changes in my brain.
I need to find my own balance, and my own sense of self-worth and I truly believe that I'm making progress towards this goal. It's just a long hard battle to fight. Every time a friend is busy that doesn't mean I've done something wrong. It just means that they're busy. I'm worth having as a friend and I can maintain a sense of self and self-worth without them being there. I actually believe that, or at least I'm starting to.
On the same token I need to stop reacting violently towards friends I've come to think have slighted me somehow. This is mostly in regards to one particular friend. And yeah she has her own issues, but really I don't make them any easier. I need to stop taking my pent-up frustrations out on them and start realizing that all they're doing is trying to show how much they care. Sure the friend in question has issues too, but there isn't anything I can do about those issues. I can only deal with how I react, and if I want to be seen as an adult then I need to calm the fuck down.
Those two issues may seem like they're on opposite ends of the spectrum from each other, but I'm starting to think that the underlying issue is the same. I don't know what it is yet, but I intend to go forward into figuring it out. I need to if I'm going to survive in a city on my own soon. I'm no good to anyone in my present mental state and I need to fix it. I'm starting to believe I can without breaking.
OK this post might not make any actual sense, but I think it's helping. I'm on the verge of figuring something out...just need to go a bit deeper.
Friday, January 21, 2011
Argh and Other Such Emotions
I've been hitting a few mental/emotional road blocks over the last few weeks. The reality of the goals I've set for myself have set in and I'm...panicking doesn't even begin to describe what I'm doing right now. I don't even have the SLIGHTEST idea where to start when planning a move of this magnitude. Yes I've moved cities before, but always when I was too young to understand much about finances and how much things actually cost. Granted I probably had a better understanding that MOST eight year olds, but again I was eight. Mom and dad said we were moving so I packed my things. That was that.
Now however everything is on my shoulders. I don't have a job (at least not one that will support me changing cities), I'm not sure I have a place to live. Everything seems to revolve around money and once again I'm feeling trapped by this damn hell-hole city. I can't live here, it seems for exactly the reason I can't just get up and go anywhere else. UGH fuck this town. I need smaller steps ones that don't seem impossible but I have no clue as to where to start.
Just *sigh* I WILL be up in Portland by the end of July, I just don't know what kind of mental shape I'm going to be in when I get there. I know it's only January and that I still have time/hope to get up there. Hell I know I'm getting at least a little bit of FinAid that's going to be HUGE. I can do this. I CAN do this. I just need to start thinking smaller. Thinking about moving my entire life up there in one large leap is overwhelming right now.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Reflections on 2010
2010 was an interesting year for me. As I look back on it I can hardly believe that all of the stuff that happened was in the same year. The first half of the year was painfully slow, and I lapsed into a depression that I'm only now shaking off. I delved deeper into that funny thing called fandom and have come out with some truly amazing friends, something I never would have thought possible before. I'm learning more and more about myself.
In the beginning of 2010 I felt a bit rudderless. Nothing about my life was my own. My mom was directing me down the path she thought I should go, to predictable results. And suddenly I found myself seemingly without a future. Faced with the nigh on insurmountable fact that I was going nowhere in life I folded. For several months I stayed inert, resigned to the "fact" that life just liked to screw with me.
It was about this time that I delved into two of my fandoms. Usually I'm more of a lurker than a communicator over the internet, but somehow I worked up the nerve to start up conversations to favorable results. I started using my twitter more and through that I actually got out and went all the way to freaking Texas by Greyhound. That awoke something in me. It made me realize how much of my life was being spent sitting and doing nothing. Suddenly I wanted nothing more than to get OUT. OUT of my parents house, OUT of this city, hell even out of the state to a certain extent.
After meeting a different friend in a much closer location I've come to realize that I have the ability to change my life for the better. Screw all of the voices in my head telling me I can't. I know that this realization was a long time coming. I owe several IRL friends a HUGE thank you as well for helping me through that long loooong painful process, but at the end of 2010 after everything that had happened I just sort of hit a wall. Everything just clicked. I had two options. I could sit and mope and whittle more of my life away not doing what I really wanted, or I could make things happen.
So now I sit in the early days of 2011 with a different out look on life. I've crossed great distances at great risk to myself and come out better and stronger for it. I've learned new things and have goals that I can actually accomplish. My life is my own and no one else's. 2011 will be different than the years before it because I will make it different. I am not a wallflower, I'm a fucking force of nature. 2011 is so screwed.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Thoughts, Goals, Rambling. You Know The Usual.
Ahhhhhhh I meant to write this sooner. Stop looking at me like that I really did. OK. So. A LOT has been happening since my last post a little over a few weeks ago. I went back to Portland and had THE BEST NEW YEARS EVE EVER!!!!111!!!!, I made goals for myself that I can actual stick to (more on that in a little bit), dyed my hair purple, and have generally gotten out the house a lot more. I feel like something really BIG and really GOOD is going to happen to me this year.
OK time for some elaboration right? Right.
1. Take Better Care of Myself: I haven't been too good to myself for the past few years. My gut has gotten bigger and I've been largely inactive. This bothers me. I know I COULD be a lot healthier and I'm just not doing the things I should to take care of myself. So I decided that this year will be the year that I eat better, get out more, make sure my skin isn't flaking as bad. You know all the usual stuff that I SHOULD have been doing all along. I'll be honest this one is the hardest for me, but I am starting to cut down on my junk food consumption and get out more. So far I'm going to chalk this up to a win for now. I still need to find a way to get more exercise. Perhaps the Wii...ah well I'll find something.
2. Go back to school: Oh this one is big. Ever since the end of 2005 I've felt cursed when it came to trying to further my music education. SOMETHING always seems to slow me down. Not this time. I'm determined. No more excuses, no more half hearted attempts I WILL be going back to school to study music.
3. Get the hell out of Eugene: This one is fairly self explanatory I think. I will be moving from Eugene by the end of July at the very latest. I just feel like I've out grown this place. As much as I love the friends I've made here something about this town always holds me back. I feel stifled and stunted. So the big plan is to move to Portland. There are still a lot of road blocks and hoops to jump through, but I can do this. I WILL do this. If only for my own sanity I need to get out of here. I realize that moving locations isn't going to solve ZOMG all of the problems I have. Since I'll be taking me with me when I move. Still though getting out on my own, truly on my own should force a few more perspective changes that I desperately need. I'm hoping that moving to an entirely different city will shake off the last bits of lethargy I'm feeling so that I can greet the rest of 2011 not to mention 2012 with enthusiasm.
So that's it for now. 11 days into the new year and I know that this year is going to be awesome. I have set goals that I KNOW I can reach. Life changing goals that can be tackled in small bits and pieces rather than things that need to change all at once. By this time next year I'll be in a new city, in school, and who knows what else. This year is GOING to be my year. I just know it.
OK time for some elaboration right? Right.
1. Take Better Care of Myself: I haven't been too good to myself for the past few years. My gut has gotten bigger and I've been largely inactive. This bothers me. I know I COULD be a lot healthier and I'm just not doing the things I should to take care of myself. So I decided that this year will be the year that I eat better, get out more, make sure my skin isn't flaking as bad. You know all the usual stuff that I SHOULD have been doing all along. I'll be honest this one is the hardest for me, but I am starting to cut down on my junk food consumption and get out more. So far I'm going to chalk this up to a win for now. I still need to find a way to get more exercise. Perhaps the Wii...ah well I'll find something.
2. Go back to school: Oh this one is big. Ever since the end of 2005 I've felt cursed when it came to trying to further my music education. SOMETHING always seems to slow me down. Not this time. I'm determined. No more excuses, no more half hearted attempts I WILL be going back to school to study music.
3. Get the hell out of Eugene: This one is fairly self explanatory I think. I will be moving from Eugene by the end of July at the very latest. I just feel like I've out grown this place. As much as I love the friends I've made here something about this town always holds me back. I feel stifled and stunted. So the big plan is to move to Portland. There are still a lot of road blocks and hoops to jump through, but I can do this. I WILL do this. If only for my own sanity I need to get out of here. I realize that moving locations isn't going to solve ZOMG all of the problems I have. Since I'll be taking me with me when I move. Still though getting out on my own, truly on my own should force a few more perspective changes that I desperately need. I'm hoping that moving to an entirely different city will shake off the last bits of lethargy I'm feeling so that I can greet the rest of 2011 not to mention 2012 with enthusiasm.
So that's it for now. 11 days into the new year and I know that this year is going to be awesome. I have set goals that I KNOW I can reach. Life changing goals that can be tackled in small bits and pieces rather than things that need to change all at once. By this time next year I'll be in a new city, in school, and who knows what else. This year is GOING to be my year. I just know it.
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