Ahh OK first off financing the major move is looking less bleak because I GOT A FREAKING WINDFALL OF TAX MONIES!!! So there's at least some good news to report. However I'm afraid this post isn't going to be all rainbows and sunshine. I have a lot of stuff I need to deal with. And while I know I can't solve all of my problems in one fell swoop I do at least need to get the ball rolling.
All of the issues that have been brought to my attention in the last two-ish weeks are relationship issues of varying stripes. Some of them I feel comfortable talking about here, some of them just aren't suited for a public blog that while yes only one other person reads, still seems a bit like airing my dirty laundry out for everyone to see. So not gonna happen. Those will have to be dealt with in a different more privet manner it seems.
OK so I guess that narrows it down considerably. First off is my issues with Co-Dependency. This is one of the biggest ones keeping me paralyzed by the idea of romantic relationships. And it seeps into my platonic ones as well. Once I begin to trust someone it's like I forget how to function as my own person. It's the dark side of being a chameleon and something that I desperately need to squash if I have any hope of establishing stable connections. Like I'm great when meeting new people. They're fascinating and I can learn a lot about them while maintaining my distance, but the longer I know someone and the more I know about them...something changes in my brain.
I need to find my own balance, and my own sense of self-worth and I truly believe that I'm making progress towards this goal. It's just a long hard battle to fight. Every time a friend is busy that doesn't mean I've done something wrong. It just means that they're busy. I'm worth having as a friend and I can maintain a sense of self and self-worth without them being there. I actually believe that, or at least I'm starting to.
On the same token I need to stop reacting violently towards friends I've come to think have slighted me somehow. This is mostly in regards to one particular friend. And yeah she has her own issues, but really I don't make them any easier. I need to stop taking my pent-up frustrations out on them and start realizing that all they're doing is trying to show how much they care. Sure the friend in question has issues too, but there isn't anything I can do about those issues. I can only deal with how I react, and if I want to be seen as an adult then I need to calm the fuck down.
Those two issues may seem like they're on opposite ends of the spectrum from each other, but I'm starting to think that the underlying issue is the same. I don't know what it is yet, but I intend to go forward into figuring it out. I need to if I'm going to survive in a city on my own soon. I'm no good to anyone in my present mental state and I need to fix it. I'm starting to believe I can without breaking.
OK this post might not make any actual sense, but I think it's helping. I'm on the verge of figuring something out...just need to go a bit deeper.
No comments:
Post a Comment