Ah yes rainbows and euphoria can only get me so far. I find myself struggling with both issues right now in spite of the fact that I have come to realize that I am awesome and have nothing to feel sorry for. I know the root of these problems. It's just difficult to deal with. Like I kind of don't want to be writing this blog right now. I'd rather be doing something ANYTHING than facing these issues head on.
Over the last few days I can't shake the feeling that I'm an ungrateful pest. That I'll never find a normal healthy relationship. That I destroy everything I touch. Fuck I hate feeling this way. I hate feeling needy and unwanted. I know it's not true. My friends love me. I have value and worth, but still I feel...abandoned, used, discarded. It's not just one thing. It's a lot of little tiny things that almost everyone does.
I should back up and explain. I have these issues because of my relationship with my father. Yeah while I don't have the traditional Daddy Issues I do have a shit ton of issues regarding my father. Most of them I won't get into right now. This one only rears its ugly head when my friends are doing great in their lives. When they are all busy and don't seem to need my shoulder. I hate that I feel this way when I SHOULD be feeling happy for them.
I hate this self-pitying bullshit and yet I can't shake the feeling that I'm being left in the dust. I honestly have no idea what to do with these feelings. I feel selfish and like a horrible human being for feeling this way. Like I've expected too much from people. Like it's my own damn fault for relying on others so much. Fuck I should know better than this. Why can't I be happy for the people I love when their lives are going well? On the other hand why can't I be there for other people I love without blowing up in their faces?
I guess the root question is why the hell am I such a screw up? Why can't I ever be normal? Yeah I know I talk a good game about screwing being normal and how being weird and interesting is awesome, but deep down I'd dearly love to be normal in the way I do close relationships. I feel like an emotional black hole. I keep sucking in all the positive things around me but none of it can escape my self-loathing gravity. I can't seem to give back.
Ahhhhh. STOP WITH THE SELF PITYING BULLSHIT KAYLA. JUST GROW UP FOR FUCKING ONCE AND LEARN TO DEAL WITH THIS SHIT. STOP TRYING TO GRAB SYMPATHY. STOP BEING JEALOUS THAT OTHERS ARE DOING BETTER THAN YOU AND. JUST. DEAL.
Shit. This isn't working. I just feel worse now. I'm going to stop writing before I start really tearing myself down. I'll revisit these issues when I have a clearer head. For now I think I just needed to spew words.
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