I just realized that this weekend marks a fairly major turning point in my life. This was the weekend where I decided I wanted to hop on yet another Greyhound bus to meet up with another internet friend. I had no idea how much my life would change, all I knew was that life in Eugene had begun to be intolerable and I wanted OUT. My tendency to over-romanticize things is not lost on me, however somethings even looking back on them from this point still feel like fate.
Everything about me has changed. Well...the way I view and express myself has changed a lot. In many ways I feel like I've grown up and grown past a lot of the things that were weighing me down last year. I am more able to stand on my own two feet and I know that I can weather the storms in my life with a little help from my friends. I've learned that getting help from my friends is not a bad thing, that sometimes it's what you need in life. My lot in life is so much more stable than it was this time last year. I am so very grateful that I chose to come up here and meet someone who had been very important to me over the course of my self discovery.
And yet I just can't shake this feeling that I am so much less interesting as a Known Entity. That my ideal self is so far short of who I am. I've lost something dear to me and I'm not sure I can get it back. I'm not sure I actually want to as a matter of fact. I don't know why I feel this way. This weird patina of disappointment and disillusionment that colors all of my triumphs. Perhaps it's that I've let a lot of things go, some of my dreams have seemed to die. I've come to realize that always always dreaming and never doing is really depressing. I've also come to realize that my biggest problem is that I don't leap to take opportunities the moment they are presented to me.
I'm tired of it. I'm tired of passively accepting things. I'm tired of falling into depression and avoiding everything because it's too hard. I'm tired of feeling like I put on this fantastic first impression only to be a total let down later. Mostly though I'm tired of never getting anywhere with what I want to do with my life. I'm tired of this pervasive feeling of wrongness every time I let myself really shine. I'm tired of sitting in the background and taking whatever it is that people tell me. I wanna go. I wanna do. I want to be me. I want to feel like I'm actually experiencing life and gaining knowledge that makes me happy.
Fuck feeling like I'm disappointing people. Fuck feeling like my thoughts/opinions/talent are less important than those of others. I am doing better than I ever have in life and it's time to stop moping about the could haves, should haves and would haves in life. Tomorrow is another day and another chance to do what I've set out to do. Also I need to sleep. Good night brain.
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