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Hrm so th thought occurs to me once again that I miiiiight be bipolar. Yet another person has made the pretty accurate observation that I don't seem to have much of a middle ground in terms of where my emotions lie. I'm not WILDLY VIOLENT nor am I SUICIDAL, so I tend to fall through the cracks. And I dunno. Had a fight/misunderstanding/difference of opinion? Hell I don't know...with Heather. This has left me feeling shaken.

Why has this left me feeling shaken? Why does this always leave me feeling this way? That was NOT her intent...I KNOW why she's afraid of me moving. She fears that I'll run and not deal. That I have a support system here that I'm not going to have that up in Portland. She did mention that if I move without dealing with myself first that I'd never want to come back. Everything about Eugene will have been tainted. I think she's correct in that assumption, but I'm not trying to do that. At least I don't think so.

I'm trying to pin down and at least start helping myself, but I don't feel like the process will be complete until I'm out of this town. I want and need to experience life on new ground. I SHOULD have moved in 2008 I think. I had the prefect oppertunaty and didn't take it. My life sort of went to hell for a little while. I'm just barely pulling out.

But yeah I also need to deal with this no middle ground thing. I'm on my mom's insurance for another year. I need to go to a Doctor who doesn't know me (because the other ones just want to diagnose me with ADD and dismiss all other concerns for some reason) and try and get tested. This shit runs in my family and I REALLY need to find my center. I'm lacking in that and I have no clue why. Yeah I know I need a therapist too, but I don't think I can get that covered on insurance so I'm trying to eliminate factors...Not sure any of this is making sense. My brain feels sloooow. My ability to communicate is off somehow. Words are coming out but at snails pace. This isn't good...perhaps I'm tiered, but I don't think that's the only thing going on.

My brain is weird, and glitchy, but I've NEVER been able to pin point why. I have a hard time with things, but I'm not developmentally disabled. I have ADD, but then again I really don't. I have depression, but Oh wait no not really otherwise the meds would work. I don't have hypoglycemia, and yet my body metabolizes food too quickly. What the hell is wrong with me?! IS there something wrong with me? Or am I deluding myself and I just need to suck it up and deal.

I have a vague, nagging, presistant worry in the back of my head that all I ever do is lie and misrepresent myself. Like there is actually nothing wrong with me mentally/emotionally and that I just like to manufacture these things in order to gain attention. Because well fuck I'm NOT the type of person the doctors really worry about when it comes to all of that stuff. I'm normal...or at least I'm REALLY good at passing for such. Fuck I dunno. This...I don't know if this is helping. I'm left with nameless doubts and itching worries and I have nothing really concrete. Maybe I should just suck it up and stop whining at everyone so much...because like there are so many other people out there more important with MUCH bigger problems and I sit here blogging to myself like a whiny privileged middle class white girl about how my problems are soooo deep.

Ugh give me a break me. Who do you think you are? Why are YOU so important?

Hrm...I'm missing something. Lacking in something. Gah can't figure out what in this mental state. Keep getting redirected for Whining Too Much. I feel out of phase. OK gotta stop now before I beat myself up further. Tempted to edit this so that the like ONE person who reads this other than me doesn't see the depressing, whiny, circular post and WHAT KAYLA SPIT IT OUT!!

...think less of me.  yeah i don't want you to think less of me because fucking this is what i'm thinking about. what the hell happened to New Kayla? The Force of Nature who told the rest of the world they could deal. Why am I not the most important person in my own life? Why do I keep making progress just to fuck it all up? Can't say. Hope I figure it out soon. Gotta stop. Won't be editing this out. That's not helpful. Fuck fuck fuck need to find middle ground fuck...gah. OK stopping now.