Been awhile...

Ah it's been months since I decided to write in this thing. I actually almost forgot I had it. Oops. Oh well. A lot has been going on in my life. Certain sections of which I don't feel comfortable talking about on here. Others have passed and while their lessons remain the specific events are no longer of any consequence. Currently I find myself on the verge of moving to Portland finally.

There is of course a lot of chaos in this time. Literally nothing is going how I thought it would in the beginning of this year. That seems to be the way of my life though, a never ending stream of tumultuous events that I seem to survive. I am learning a lot about myself this year though. More than I thought possible. This current set back will not keep me down for long, and although everything about this move seems to be constantly shifting and changing and literally nothing is going how I wanted it to in the slightest I am growing from this. I feel called to be in Portland at least for a time. To start anew in a new place. I do feel like I have roots in Eugene. Deep parts of who I am have been shaped by my life here. I will never ever forget this city and its contributions to who I am.

I'm still in the midst of a spiritual existential crisis of sorts. I still don't seem to have resonance within my own faith. I cannot begin to describe how that makes me feel.  This faith has been part of who I am for so long, and now I feel like nothing more than an outsider. My faith has not been shaken. I still believe in God in the Christian sense. I still love the concept of Foursquare. But I've lost that connection to the people around me. They all seem content to listen to the songs and the pastor and go about their daily lives. I've become more inclined to listen and pick apart everything I hear. I cannot get into the aspect of worship that I had most cherished. The sermons don't speak to me and make me cry anymore. Now I just sit and skeptically pick apart everything that happens. It's a very unsettling and cold place to be.

I know that sounds like a lot of emotional gut reaction thinking. That maybe I shouldn't base everything on what I'm feeling. But that's never made any sense to me. The constant drumbeat in Christianity that you aren't supposed to base your faith on what you feel. I'm me I cannot fathom a life that isn't based on what I feel. Nearly everything about my life is rooted in my emotions. They are the core of who I am. I need to find a way to get back to feel, but I fear that finding the place that resonates with me will take me away from Christianity as it stands. I will never consider myself as anything other than Christian. I believe this to be true, but I dont' think that what I am becoming fits into the mold of traditional Christianity. It's an unsettling place to stand, but I think I'm going to be OK with it. Once all the dust and chaos of my life settles and I can gain a clearer picture (you know before more chaos gets kicked up) I think I'll like who I'm becoming. Now all I have to do is tame a tempest.