"Finding Myself"

I've always hated that phrase. Finding yourself. Like who you are is something that you could lose or get rid of somehow. Then again I always kind of felt like I knew who I was. Sure I may have slipped between the cracks of life unnoticed by a great many people, but I have always felt like me. I know who I am, what I'm supposed to do with my life so whatever. But lately I've felt...adrift. All the things I thought I was have turned out to be rather shallow, or projections from other people.

The thought has occurred to me over the last year or so that I don't exactly know who "me" is. Who am I when no one is around? Do I really believe/think the things I've always claimed to? Or was that just a disguise so that everyone else would be fine with me. How much of who I am is a construct created out of necessity? Am I really the honest person I like to think I am? How often to I lie to myself, how often to I lie to others by proxy.

One of the things I've learned over the last month of living alone is that I crave control. I need a life that I can control a life that is entirely my own. Having a large community is nice, but I sort of lose me in the shuffle. To the point where when the life I had built for myself had come crashing down in Eugene I didn't really know who me was. I went nearly  catatonic and yeah most of the problems I have in life are entirely self inflicted. I don't deal with things the way I should. I need to fix this habit of mine. I am so tired of being absolutely disgusted with myself. With the way I waste my life. Almost doing great things isn't good enough. I need to get off my ass and actually do what I claimed I set out to do here in Portland. Find a job and study the thing that I want to. The only thing stopping me form moving forward is me. That's a very frightening and very empowering thought.

Here's to hoping that I follow through on this.