Leviathan

Going with the whole "my mind is an ocean" theory for a bit. I don't usually think about the things that populate said ocean. Oh I think about the people who just randomly show up in the middle of things, but while they have their place those people don't naturally belong there. Things like the Leviathan are the reason why I get freaked when I realize they exist.

Normally I like to ignore the creatures in my ocean, but they're there. And there's no way to deal with them but to drag them kicking and screaming to the surface and stare them in the eye. For too long this fucker has swam near the bottom of my ocean whispering about me. Telling me that if people could see him that no one would want me. No one would ever truly like me if they knew what a monster I had inside.

What a manipulative, abusive, temperamental, fickle, judgmental bitch I was. It's the part of me that drives me to self-destruct. How could I ever be happy if I was so dark and ugly inside. How could I ever want to take the spotlight from someone else? That's a shitty thing to do. Why can't you just be happy for someone else? Let other people shiny they deserve it more than you do. How could you feel envious of someone else getting to do what you wanted to do? Why can't you just be happy with what you have?

Even more insidious though are the things it says to me to keep me stuck. What's the point? It's all gonna turn out the same anyway. Whenever someone gets to close they run away screaming. You're too much. You're not enough. You can never be the person you want to be. People take one look into your soul and see me. They know the truth and you cannot hide me for long.

You know what Leviathan? I have named you. I have power over you. You are a part of me. And I will not be ashamed of who I am. Everyone has a darkside. Things they'd rather keep hidden. Everyone seeks the spotlight and feels envy when others have what you want. I am normal. I have a temper. Everyone has their bad days. The things they regret. It does me no good to keep you locked away at the bottom of my ocean where the only one who can see you is me.

People don't run screaming from you. No one I have ever shown you to has ever run away. They back off for awhile, but guess what? They're still in my life. The best parts of who I am, the caring compassionate, talented, wise parts of me FAR out strip your pathetic ass. You are a weakling who hides in shadows because you cannot face the glaring light of others. And you Will. Not. Hold. Me. Back.

Fuck you. I'm done with you. You are so very very small on the inside and I'm going to enjoy eating you for dinner.