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Hrm so th thought occurs to me once again that I miiiiight be bipolar. Yet another person has made the pretty accurate observation that I don't seem to have much of a middle ground in terms of where my emotions lie. I'm not WILDLY VIOLENT nor am I SUICIDAL, so I tend to fall through the cracks. And I dunno. Had a fight/misunderstanding/difference of opinion? Hell I don't know...with Heather. This has left me feeling shaken.

Why has this left me feeling shaken? Why does this always leave me feeling this way? That was NOT her intent...I KNOW why she's afraid of me moving. She fears that I'll run and not deal. That I have a support system here that I'm not going to have that up in Portland. She did mention that if I move without dealing with myself first that I'd never want to come back. Everything about Eugene will have been tainted. I think she's correct in that assumption, but I'm not trying to do that. At least I don't think so.

I'm trying to pin down and at least start helping myself, but I don't feel like the process will be complete until I'm out of this town. I want and need to experience life on new ground. I SHOULD have moved in 2008 I think. I had the prefect oppertunaty and didn't take it. My life sort of went to hell for a little while. I'm just barely pulling out.

But yeah I also need to deal with this no middle ground thing. I'm on my mom's insurance for another year. I need to go to a Doctor who doesn't know me (because the other ones just want to diagnose me with ADD and dismiss all other concerns for some reason) and try and get tested. This shit runs in my family and I REALLY need to find my center. I'm lacking in that and I have no clue why. Yeah I know I need a therapist too, but I don't think I can get that covered on insurance so I'm trying to eliminate factors...Not sure any of this is making sense. My brain feels sloooow. My ability to communicate is off somehow. Words are coming out but at snails pace. This isn't good...perhaps I'm tiered, but I don't think that's the only thing going on.

My brain is weird, and glitchy, but I've NEVER been able to pin point why. I have a hard time with things, but I'm not developmentally disabled. I have ADD, but then again I really don't. I have depression, but Oh wait no not really otherwise the meds would work. I don't have hypoglycemia, and yet my body metabolizes food too quickly. What the hell is wrong with me?! IS there something wrong with me? Or am I deluding myself and I just need to suck it up and deal.

I have a vague, nagging, presistant worry in the back of my head that all I ever do is lie and misrepresent myself. Like there is actually nothing wrong with me mentally/emotionally and that I just like to manufacture these things in order to gain attention. Because well fuck I'm NOT the type of person the doctors really worry about when it comes to all of that stuff. I'm normal...or at least I'm REALLY good at passing for such. Fuck I dunno. This...I don't know if this is helping. I'm left with nameless doubts and itching worries and I have nothing really concrete. Maybe I should just suck it up and stop whining at everyone so much...because like there are so many other people out there more important with MUCH bigger problems and I sit here blogging to myself like a whiny privileged middle class white girl about how my problems are soooo deep.

Ugh give me a break me. Who do you think you are? Why are YOU so important?

Hrm...I'm missing something. Lacking in something. Gah can't figure out what in this mental state. Keep getting redirected for Whining Too Much. I feel out of phase. OK gotta stop now before I beat myself up further. Tempted to edit this so that the like ONE person who reads this other than me doesn't see the depressing, whiny, circular post and WHAT KAYLA SPIT IT OUT!!

...think less of me.  yeah i don't want you to think less of me because fucking this is what i'm thinking about. what the hell happened to New Kayla? The Force of Nature who told the rest of the world they could deal. Why am I not the most important person in my own life? Why do I keep making progress just to fuck it all up? Can't say. Hope I figure it out soon. Gotta stop. Won't be editing this out. That's not helpful. Fuck fuck fuck need to find middle ground fuck...gah. OK stopping now.

Hrm Yeah I Guess I DO Need To Talk About This

*Sigh* I really don't want to be making yet another blog post about "Waaaah I have relationship issues. Waaah everyone is leaving me." because while the first part is undoubtedly true the second part really, really isn't. I'm not doing as bad as I was on Monday, I feel like I have more perspective and am way more grounded. I just still feel a sense of loss and moroseness lurking just under the surface of my "I'm fine, no really I am."

As I mentioned before the core of my abandonment issues stem from my father. I love my dad, he understands me and I understand him, but some of the things he did in search of emotional/financial/mental stability have left some Marianas Trench level scars in my life. One of which would be the twinge of sadness and worry I feel whenever someone close to me starts becoming busy. Especially if that busy involves someone they're interested in. It sort of ties into the reason I'm so reluctant to start romantic relationships myself (along with a host of other things I'm never going to write about one here.)

It's selfish and unfair for everyone involved. But I have no idea how to get over it other than constant reassurances from the other party. Which can't happen because they're busy. And I start feeling like a needy and whiny and far too codependent for my own good. There's also the compulsion to shut down and not address the problem at all rather than reach out and address the problem at hand. I have a tendency to hide behind the mask of "I'm fine really" rather than express the hurt I'm feeling. I do this until it all boils over in one great spout of anger. I'm getting better at reaching out, but still I feel like it's stupid and silly to do so. Like I'm encroaching on time that could be better spent NOT making others deal with my neuroses...

I CAN get through this. I AM getting better, I'm no longer wracked with worry that people are going to leave me behind. But it's still a thing. It still hurts in ways I can't quite express. I wish I had a different brain.

Addendum to the previous blog post

I'm more stable now. Not BETTER. Deep seated Abandonment Issues don't just disappear after all and it'd be completely unreasonable to assume that they will. I do however feel the need to state that I'm on more even ground now. I can get through this and come out stronger the person (well people really) in question won't be gone forever. And in a way it's good that they aren't around near constantly right now. I need to stop using people as a crutch and learn to stand on my own two feet damn it.

In all seriousness I'm happy for my friends who are doing well for themselves. I just don't want to be left behind is all...which means I need to start putting myself out there more. Take some risks and forge new alliances and friendships while my other friends are off spinning their lives the way they want them to be. Just please don't forget me OK guys...

On Abandonment Issues and Low Self-Esteem

Ah yes rainbows and euphoria can only get me so far. I find myself struggling with both issues right now in spite of the fact that I have come to realize that I am awesome and have nothing to feel sorry for. I know the root of these problems. It's just difficult to deal with. Like I kind of don't want to be writing this blog right now. I'd rather be doing something ANYTHING than facing these issues head on.

Over the last few days I can't shake the feeling that I'm an ungrateful pest. That I'll never find a normal healthy relationship. That I destroy everything I touch. Fuck I hate feeling this way. I hate feeling needy and unwanted. I know it's not true. My friends love me. I have value and worth, but still I feel...abandoned, used, discarded. It's not just one thing. It's a lot of little tiny things that almost everyone does.

I should back up and explain. I have these issues because of my relationship with my father. Yeah while I don't have the traditional Daddy Issues I do have a shit ton of issues regarding my father. Most of them I won't get into right now. This one only rears its ugly head when my friends are doing great in their lives. When they are all busy and don't seem to need my shoulder. I hate that I feel this way when I SHOULD be feeling happy for them.

I hate this self-pitying bullshit and yet I can't shake the feeling that I'm being left in the dust. I honestly have no idea what to do with these feelings. I feel selfish and like a horrible human being for feeling this way. Like I've expected too much from people. Like it's my own damn fault for relying on others so much. Fuck I should know better than this. Why can't I be happy for the people I love when their lives are going well? On the other hand why can't I be there for other people I love without blowing up in their faces?

I guess the root question is why the hell am I such a screw up? Why can't I ever be normal? Yeah I know I talk a good game about screwing being normal and how being weird and interesting is awesome, but deep down I'd dearly love to be normal in the way I do close relationships. I feel like an emotional black hole. I keep sucking in all the positive things around me but none of it can escape my self-loathing gravity. I can't seem to give back.

Ahhhhh. STOP WITH THE SELF PITYING BULLSHIT KAYLA. JUST GROW UP FOR FUCKING ONCE AND LEARN TO DEAL WITH THIS SHIT. STOP TRYING TO GRAB SYMPATHY. STOP BEING JEALOUS THAT OTHERS ARE DOING BETTER THAN YOU AND. JUST. DEAL.

Shit. This isn't working. I just feel worse now. I'm going to stop writing before I start really tearing myself down. I'll revisit these issues when I have a clearer head. For now I think I just needed to spew words.

What I Believe

AH! So I have returned to the original purpose of this blog. Which was to sort out what I believe and why. Which means that it's list time I suppose. I do loves me some lists, but this one is going to be harder for me. So much of my life has been taken up by my beliefs ones that have both done me a lot of good and ones that have done me harm. So let's start with the positives shall we.

I believe...
1. That there's a God who loves me: I've experienced too much in my life not to believe this part. Sure I've encountered a lot of hardships along the way, but ultimately my life has turned out positively. I am able to learn and grow even through the times that seem tough.

2. That I need to be doing real good in the world: Whether it be volunteering at homeless shelters, or giving my time to those that need it the fact that is that I need to be proactive and positive in my approach to others. This is Important. So many of my fellows seem to neglect this part and it's a shame.

3. Treating people like they matter is important: Yeah it's sad that I have to state this as one of my core beliefs. It's sad because it should be left unsaid, a total no brainer, a given. But it isn't. And I've had it with my fellows looking down on others because they don't fit into their little box. You know what neither do I so screw that noise.

So I guess it's time to list what I don't believe.

1. Abstinence: Yeah I've never had sex before, but the whole concept of religiously enforced abstinence is one that's fucked with my head for far too long.  Others don't get to dictate to me what I do or don't do in my relationships. That is for me and the other person to decide together.

2. That gay people are going to defile everything: Oh come on really?! Really? Yeah I'm calling bullshit on this one.

Hrm I think that's it for now. But like these are kind of huge. I think I can live with these simple guidelines and look for a good community to support me on this.

Tumble, tumble, tumble

Ahh OK first off financing the major move is looking less bleak because I GOT A FREAKING WINDFALL OF TAX MONIES!!! So there's at least some good news to report. However I'm afraid this post isn't going to be all rainbows and sunshine. I have a lot of stuff I need to deal with. And while I know I can't solve all of my problems in one fell swoop I do at least need to get the ball rolling.

All of the issues that have been brought to my attention in the last two-ish weeks are relationship issues of varying stripes. Some of them I feel comfortable talking about here, some of them just aren't suited for a public blog that while yes only one other person reads, still seems a bit like airing my dirty laundry out for everyone to see. So not gonna happen. Those will have to be dealt with in a different more privet manner it seems.

OK so I guess that narrows it down considerably. First off is my issues with Co-Dependency. This is one of the biggest ones keeping me paralyzed by the idea of romantic relationships. And it seeps into my platonic ones as well. Once I begin to trust someone it's like I forget how to function as my own person. It's the dark side of being a chameleon and something that I desperately need to squash if I have any hope of establishing stable connections. Like I'm great when meeting new people. They're fascinating and I can learn a lot about them while maintaining my distance, but the longer I know someone and the more I know about them...something changes in my brain.

I need to find my own balance, and my own sense of self-worth and I truly believe that I'm making progress towards this goal. It's just a long hard battle to fight. Every time a friend is busy that doesn't mean I've done something wrong. It just means that they're busy. I'm worth having as a friend and I can maintain a sense of self and self-worth without them being there. I actually believe that, or at least I'm starting to.

On the same token I need to stop reacting violently towards friends I've come to think have slighted me somehow. This is mostly in regards to one particular friend. And yeah she has her own issues, but really I don't make them any easier. I need to stop taking my pent-up frustrations out on them and start realizing that all they're doing is trying to show how much they care. Sure the friend in question has issues too, but there isn't anything I can do about those issues. I can only deal with how I react, and if I want to be seen as an adult then I need to calm the fuck down.

Those two issues may seem like they're on opposite ends of the spectrum from each other, but I'm starting to think that the underlying issue is the same. I don't know what it is yet, but I intend to go forward into figuring it out. I need to if I'm going to survive in a city on my own soon. I'm no good to anyone in my present mental state and I need to fix it. I'm starting to believe I can without breaking.

OK this post might not make any actual sense, but I think it's helping. I'm on the verge of figuring something out...just need to go a bit deeper.

Argh and Other Such Emotions

I've been hitting a few mental/emotional road blocks over the last few weeks. The reality of the goals I've set for myself have set in and I'm...panicking doesn't even begin to describe what I'm doing right now. I don't even have the SLIGHTEST idea where to start when planning a move of this magnitude. Yes I've moved cities before, but always when I was too young to understand much about finances and how much things actually cost. Granted I probably had a better understanding that MOST eight year olds, but again I was eight. Mom and dad said we were moving so I packed my things. That was that.

Now however everything is on my shoulders. I don't have a job (at least not one that will support me changing cities), I'm not sure I have a place to live. Everything seems to revolve around money and once again I'm feeling trapped by this damn hell-hole city. I can't live here, it seems for exactly the reason I can't just get up and go anywhere else. UGH fuck this town. I need smaller steps ones that don't seem impossible but I have no clue as to where to start. 

Just *sigh* I WILL be up in Portland by the end of July, I just don't know what kind of mental shape I'm going to be in when I get there. I know it's only January and that I still have time/hope to get up there. Hell I know I'm getting at least a little bit of FinAid that's going to be HUGE. I can do this. I CAN do this. I just need to start thinking smaller. Thinking about moving my entire life up there in one large leap is overwhelming right now.