Time keeps passing and things keep changing

I just realized that this weekend marks a fairly major turning point in my life. This was the weekend where I decided I wanted to hop on yet another Greyhound bus to meet up with another internet friend. I had no idea how much my life would change, all I knew was that life in Eugene had begun to be intolerable and I wanted OUT. My tendency to over-romanticize things is not lost on me, however somethings even looking back on them from this point still feel like fate.

Everything about me has changed. Well...the way I view and express myself has changed a lot. In many ways I feel like I've grown up and grown past a lot of the things that were weighing me down last year. I am more able to stand on my own two feet and I know that I can weather the storms in my life with a little help from my friends. I've learned that getting help from my friends is not a bad thing, that sometimes it's what you need in life. My lot in life is so much more stable than it was this time last year. I am so very grateful that I chose to come up here and meet someone who had been very important to me over the course of my self discovery.

And yet I just can't shake this feeling that I am so much less interesting as a Known Entity. That my ideal self is so far short of who I am. I've lost something dear to me and I'm not sure I can get it back. I'm not sure I actually want to as a matter of fact. I don't know why I feel this way. This weird patina of disappointment and disillusionment that colors all of my triumphs. Perhaps it's that I've let a lot of things go, some of my dreams have seemed to die. I've come to realize that always always dreaming and never doing is really depressing. I've also come to realize that my biggest problem is that I don't leap to take opportunities the moment they are presented to me.

I'm tired of it. I'm tired of passively accepting things. I'm tired of falling into depression and avoiding everything because it's too hard. I'm tired of feeling like I put on this fantastic first impression only to be a total let down later. Mostly though I'm tired of never getting anywhere with what I want to do with my life. I'm tired of this pervasive feeling of wrongness every time I let myself really shine. I'm tired of sitting in the background and taking whatever it is that people tell me. I wanna go. I wanna do. I want to be me. I want to feel like I'm actually experiencing life and gaining knowledge that makes me happy.

Fuck feeling like I'm disappointing people. Fuck feeling like my thoughts/opinions/talent are less important than those of others. I am doing better than I ever have in life and it's time to stop moping about the could haves, should haves and would haves in life. Tomorrow is another day and another chance to do what I've set out to do. Also I need to sleep. Good night brain.

Um...update? Wow it's been awhile

So writing a blog almost entirely for yourself means that it falls by the wayside for a few months...also it gets a bit silly talking to myself all the time, but I shall try to update this thing more often.

So in the last um...almost three months I have:
1.) Found a job at a Subway store.
2.) Got fed up with said Subway job and the various shit I had to put up with there (seriously no schedule  SERIOUSLY?!)
3.) Answered a call for emergency stage hand work.
4.) Got to go to a Lights concert!!!!
5.) Moved into a smaller apartment.
6.) Have managed to get enough work to pay not only this months rent, but next months as well. FINALLY.

And yet for all of that I still feel conflicted...things have settled down. For once in almost three years I feel like things are actually going right. I've managed to live here in Portland for six months which I believe is about two months longer than I have ever managed on my own before. And yet...I dunno something is missing. My life is not  yet as complete as I'd like it to be. I'm so far away from where I need and want to be. I'm still barely making rent so paying back debts is a bit out of the question.

I still haven't really found (nor have I honestly been looking) a church to call my own. I dunno every time I think about it I just freeze. Maybe it's just that I"m scared that whatever church I'm going to find is going to reinforce the damaging messages I've spent the better part of this year trying to get away from. Perhaps I'm still struggling with whether or not I actually want to continue to call myself a Christian at all. So much of what I hear from/about other Christians these days is such awful, hurtful, harmful things that I just can't help but turn my head away in disgust.

And then there's the guilt. I feel like my success is coming at the expense of a friend I care very much about. I don't like this feeling, and I can't shake the idea that if I weren't around he'd have a better chance at getting jobs. The one thing I'm still absolutely paralyzed about is being a burden, or somehow detrimental to people's lives. I know that I've shown up/taken the jobs because I really need the money and that I'd be screwed right now if I hadn't gotten extremely lucky, but I still just can't help the feeling that I'm somehow fucking up someone else's life. Like maybe I always do this to people. I drain them dry and leave them by the wayside once I move on with my life.

I hate this feeling. I wish I was a different person. One who didn't care about this stuff. One who could look on their choices and be proud that I'm making good ones and that I can at least support myself a little bit. Instead I'm the type of person who looks at someone else struggling and becomes plagued with guilt at the fact that I'm contributing to those struggles. AHHHH BRAIN. KNOCK IT OFF. YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOU. NO ONE ELSE. YOU ARE NOT THE CAUSE OF SOMEONE ELSE'S MISERY. STOP BEING SO HARD ON YOURSELF FOR FUCKS SAKE.

... I don't think that capslocking to myself is going to work this time. *sigh* Oh well.

Life I don't understand you

OK so in the space of a week I got a great promising job, and then was let down when said job was nothing but empty promises and lies. I just...I don't understand. I'm a good person I try my hardest and yet somehow this keeps happening to me. I don't understand why. I do everything I should check in, apply, look nice, don't have a criminal background and yet no one seems to want to hire me. At least no one who would actually pay me a living wage that is.

I just don't understand. Why the hell am I here? Well I guess I'm  here for "finding myself" and getting away from toxic things back in Eugene, but still it'd be nice if every month I didn't have panic attacks about rent. It'd be nice if some place ANY place would hire me. I just what am I supposed to do? Where am I supposed to go? I've hit a wall. I don't know what I'm going to do with myself now. Blah later.

Leviathan

Going with the whole "my mind is an ocean" theory for a bit. I don't usually think about the things that populate said ocean. Oh I think about the people who just randomly show up in the middle of things, but while they have their place those people don't naturally belong there. Things like the Leviathan are the reason why I get freaked when I realize they exist.

Normally I like to ignore the creatures in my ocean, but they're there. And there's no way to deal with them but to drag them kicking and screaming to the surface and stare them in the eye. For too long this fucker has swam near the bottom of my ocean whispering about me. Telling me that if people could see him that no one would want me. No one would ever truly like me if they knew what a monster I had inside.

What a manipulative, abusive, temperamental, fickle, judgmental bitch I was. It's the part of me that drives me to self-destruct. How could I ever be happy if I was so dark and ugly inside. How could I ever want to take the spotlight from someone else? That's a shitty thing to do. Why can't you just be happy for someone else? Let other people shiny they deserve it more than you do. How could you feel envious of someone else getting to do what you wanted to do? Why can't you just be happy with what you have?

Even more insidious though are the things it says to me to keep me stuck. What's the point? It's all gonna turn out the same anyway. Whenever someone gets to close they run away screaming. You're too much. You're not enough. You can never be the person you want to be. People take one look into your soul and see me. They know the truth and you cannot hide me for long.

You know what Leviathan? I have named you. I have power over you. You are a part of me. And I will not be ashamed of who I am. Everyone has a darkside. Things they'd rather keep hidden. Everyone seeks the spotlight and feels envy when others have what you want. I am normal. I have a temper. Everyone has their bad days. The things they regret. It does me no good to keep you locked away at the bottom of my ocean where the only one who can see you is me.

People don't run screaming from you. No one I have ever shown you to has ever run away. They back off for awhile, but guess what? They're still in my life. The best parts of who I am, the caring compassionate, talented, wise parts of me FAR out strip your pathetic ass. You are a weakling who hides in shadows because you cannot face the glaring light of others. And you Will. Not. Hold. Me. Back.

Fuck you. I'm done with you. You are so very very small on the inside and I'm going to enjoy eating you for dinner.

"Finding Myself"

I've always hated that phrase. Finding yourself. Like who you are is something that you could lose or get rid of somehow. Then again I always kind of felt like I knew who I was. Sure I may have slipped between the cracks of life unnoticed by a great many people, but I have always felt like me. I know who I am, what I'm supposed to do with my life so whatever. But lately I've felt...adrift. All the things I thought I was have turned out to be rather shallow, or projections from other people.

The thought has occurred to me over the last year or so that I don't exactly know who "me" is. Who am I when no one is around? Do I really believe/think the things I've always claimed to? Or was that just a disguise so that everyone else would be fine with me. How much of who I am is a construct created out of necessity? Am I really the honest person I like to think I am? How often to I lie to myself, how often to I lie to others by proxy.

One of the things I've learned over the last month of living alone is that I crave control. I need a life that I can control a life that is entirely my own. Having a large community is nice, but I sort of lose me in the shuffle. To the point where when the life I had built for myself had come crashing down in Eugene I didn't really know who me was. I went nearly  catatonic and yeah most of the problems I have in life are entirely self inflicted. I don't deal with things the way I should. I need to fix this habit of mine. I am so tired of being absolutely disgusted with myself. With the way I waste my life. Almost doing great things isn't good enough. I need to get off my ass and actually do what I claimed I set out to do here in Portland. Find a job and study the thing that I want to. The only thing stopping me form moving forward is me. That's a very frightening and very empowering thought.

Here's to hoping that I follow through on this.

One Year

So...I meant to post this closer to my birthday (and by that I mean I just thought of writing this blog post like right now so grain of salt I guess?). My life has changed drastically over the last year. I am not the same person I was July 28th 2010 that I am sitting here in 2011. For example the "here" where I sit has changed quite a bit. I am now living in different city in my very own very tiny place. I owe much of the changes my life has seen to my friends and family back in Eugene without them none of this would be even remotely possible. As I sit and look back on my life I realize how much of who I am has been shaped by the circumstances of my past, both the pleasant and the really REALLY not so pleasant parts.

But there is another thing that has shaped my life dramatically in a much shorter time, and it's the one I want to talk about now. The internet. Yeah I've technically been an internet denizen since like 2005 or something, but it took me awhile to really connect to the world beyond the people I see face to face. Like I had various blogging things like Myspace and Facebook and LiveJournal, but by and large they were used to contact people within my own small community. I'd only really add and talk to people who knew me IRL. While that gave me the illusion of safety it also hemmed me in quite a bit.

And then I became unemployed in like 2009 and suddenly I had loads of time to poke around the big, dark, scary place known as The Internet. What I found in its depths whilst lurking as silently as I could was that The Internet was FILLED with people who were just like me. Some of them were shy and socially awkward, some of them were boisterous and probably have no trouble connecting with people IRL. All of them were just regular people. Sure there were the trolls and the creepy weirdos out there, but it seemed that they were no more prevalent online than they were in real life.

Which brings me to the thing that happened approximately a year ago. Around April of last year I got into my very first video game. Dragon Age. It was an awesome game made even more awesome by finding an entire community of people with common interests to talk about said game and the choices one makes therein. Now this wasn't my first brush with fandom I'd been fairly visable in the TGWTG fandom for awhile, but it was my first brush with being almost entirely comfortable being online and a part of a fandom. I started doing things like posting my fanfic (which sadly will probably never get finished) and branching out and talking to friends of my fandom friends.

Through shenanigans and joking I wound up taking a bus trip from Oregon to Texas to see Wicked on my birthday. That trip was quite frankly a disaster. Not the being in Texas part, but the getting there and back part. There were bus fires and delays and little food and sleep. The Greyhound tried to kill me twice...but through it all I learned a few things about myself. I learned that I am in fact a better judge of character than I thought I was. Both in the fact that I could trust my busmates and that I could trust the random internet stranger I had been planning to go see. I also learned that while life may throw me curve balls and things may or may not work out like I was expecting them to I can survive it. I have the ability to adjust and move forward no matter how difficult/damn near impossible the circumstances may be.

It also made one thing very clear. I couldn't live in Eugene for very much longer. I will always love the things that Eugene taught me about myself and the wonderful people I met there. They will forever have a place in my heart and Eugene will always be a place that I consider home. However it was high time that I look into getting the hell out of there.

Both of those experiences helped me find my place here in Portland. Without that trip to Texas and the epiphany I had about my life I would never have traveled to Portland to meet up with yet another random internet stranger. Said internet stranger has become one of my best friends and has been kind enough in introduce me to yet more really strange and awesome people. All of that had made moving very very far away from people that I've loved and shared my life with for a very very long time hurt just a little bit less.

So I guess this is a blog post to say thank you internet. Thank you for being the wonderful, humorous, dark, quirky, broken place that you are. Without you my life would be a vastly different and somewhat more depressing place to be. (Not that the internet is going to read this, but whatever it's the thought that counts right?)

Been awhile...

Ah it's been months since I decided to write in this thing. I actually almost forgot I had it. Oops. Oh well. A lot has been going on in my life. Certain sections of which I don't feel comfortable talking about on here. Others have passed and while their lessons remain the specific events are no longer of any consequence. Currently I find myself on the verge of moving to Portland finally.

There is of course a lot of chaos in this time. Literally nothing is going how I thought it would in the beginning of this year. That seems to be the way of my life though, a never ending stream of tumultuous events that I seem to survive. I am learning a lot about myself this year though. More than I thought possible. This current set back will not keep me down for long, and although everything about this move seems to be constantly shifting and changing and literally nothing is going how I wanted it to in the slightest I am growing from this. I feel called to be in Portland at least for a time. To start anew in a new place. I do feel like I have roots in Eugene. Deep parts of who I am have been shaped by my life here. I will never ever forget this city and its contributions to who I am.

I'm still in the midst of a spiritual existential crisis of sorts. I still don't seem to have resonance within my own faith. I cannot begin to describe how that makes me feel.  This faith has been part of who I am for so long, and now I feel like nothing more than an outsider. My faith has not been shaken. I still believe in God in the Christian sense. I still love the concept of Foursquare. But I've lost that connection to the people around me. They all seem content to listen to the songs and the pastor and go about their daily lives. I've become more inclined to listen and pick apart everything I hear. I cannot get into the aspect of worship that I had most cherished. The sermons don't speak to me and make me cry anymore. Now I just sit and skeptically pick apart everything that happens. It's a very unsettling and cold place to be.

I know that sounds like a lot of emotional gut reaction thinking. That maybe I shouldn't base everything on what I'm feeling. But that's never made any sense to me. The constant drumbeat in Christianity that you aren't supposed to base your faith on what you feel. I'm me I cannot fathom a life that isn't based on what I feel. Nearly everything about my life is rooted in my emotions. They are the core of who I am. I need to find a way to get back to feel, but I fear that finding the place that resonates with me will take me away from Christianity as it stands. I will never consider myself as anything other than Christian. I believe this to be true, but I dont' think that what I am becoming fits into the mold of traditional Christianity. It's an unsettling place to stand, but I think I'm going to be OK with it. Once all the dust and chaos of my life settles and I can gain a clearer picture (you know before more chaos gets kicked up) I think I'll like who I'm becoming. Now all I have to do is tame a tempest.

Blahblahblahblahblah

Hrm so th thought occurs to me once again that I miiiiight be bipolar. Yet another person has made the pretty accurate observation that I don't seem to have much of a middle ground in terms of where my emotions lie. I'm not WILDLY VIOLENT nor am I SUICIDAL, so I tend to fall through the cracks. And I dunno. Had a fight/misunderstanding/difference of opinion? Hell I don't know...with Heather. This has left me feeling shaken.

Why has this left me feeling shaken? Why does this always leave me feeling this way? That was NOT her intent...I KNOW why she's afraid of me moving. She fears that I'll run and not deal. That I have a support system here that I'm not going to have that up in Portland. She did mention that if I move without dealing with myself first that I'd never want to come back. Everything about Eugene will have been tainted. I think she's correct in that assumption, but I'm not trying to do that. At least I don't think so.

I'm trying to pin down and at least start helping myself, but I don't feel like the process will be complete until I'm out of this town. I want and need to experience life on new ground. I SHOULD have moved in 2008 I think. I had the prefect oppertunaty and didn't take it. My life sort of went to hell for a little while. I'm just barely pulling out.

But yeah I also need to deal with this no middle ground thing. I'm on my mom's insurance for another year. I need to go to a Doctor who doesn't know me (because the other ones just want to diagnose me with ADD and dismiss all other concerns for some reason) and try and get tested. This shit runs in my family and I REALLY need to find my center. I'm lacking in that and I have no clue why. Yeah I know I need a therapist too, but I don't think I can get that covered on insurance so I'm trying to eliminate factors...Not sure any of this is making sense. My brain feels sloooow. My ability to communicate is off somehow. Words are coming out but at snails pace. This isn't good...perhaps I'm tiered, but I don't think that's the only thing going on.

My brain is weird, and glitchy, but I've NEVER been able to pin point why. I have a hard time with things, but I'm not developmentally disabled. I have ADD, but then again I really don't. I have depression, but Oh wait no not really otherwise the meds would work. I don't have hypoglycemia, and yet my body metabolizes food too quickly. What the hell is wrong with me?! IS there something wrong with me? Or am I deluding myself and I just need to suck it up and deal.

I have a vague, nagging, presistant worry in the back of my head that all I ever do is lie and misrepresent myself. Like there is actually nothing wrong with me mentally/emotionally and that I just like to manufacture these things in order to gain attention. Because well fuck I'm NOT the type of person the doctors really worry about when it comes to all of that stuff. I'm normal...or at least I'm REALLY good at passing for such. Fuck I dunno. This...I don't know if this is helping. I'm left with nameless doubts and itching worries and I have nothing really concrete. Maybe I should just suck it up and stop whining at everyone so much...because like there are so many other people out there more important with MUCH bigger problems and I sit here blogging to myself like a whiny privileged middle class white girl about how my problems are soooo deep.

Ugh give me a break me. Who do you think you are? Why are YOU so important?

Hrm...I'm missing something. Lacking in something. Gah can't figure out what in this mental state. Keep getting redirected for Whining Too Much. I feel out of phase. OK gotta stop now before I beat myself up further. Tempted to edit this so that the like ONE person who reads this other than me doesn't see the depressing, whiny, circular post and WHAT KAYLA SPIT IT OUT!!

...think less of me.  yeah i don't want you to think less of me because fucking this is what i'm thinking about. what the hell happened to New Kayla? The Force of Nature who told the rest of the world they could deal. Why am I not the most important person in my own life? Why do I keep making progress just to fuck it all up? Can't say. Hope I figure it out soon. Gotta stop. Won't be editing this out. That's not helpful. Fuck fuck fuck need to find middle ground fuck...gah. OK stopping now.

Hrm Yeah I Guess I DO Need To Talk About This

*Sigh* I really don't want to be making yet another blog post about "Waaaah I have relationship issues. Waaah everyone is leaving me." because while the first part is undoubtedly true the second part really, really isn't. I'm not doing as bad as I was on Monday, I feel like I have more perspective and am way more grounded. I just still feel a sense of loss and moroseness lurking just under the surface of my "I'm fine, no really I am."

As I mentioned before the core of my abandonment issues stem from my father. I love my dad, he understands me and I understand him, but some of the things he did in search of emotional/financial/mental stability have left some Marianas Trench level scars in my life. One of which would be the twinge of sadness and worry I feel whenever someone close to me starts becoming busy. Especially if that busy involves someone they're interested in. It sort of ties into the reason I'm so reluctant to start romantic relationships myself (along with a host of other things I'm never going to write about one here.)

It's selfish and unfair for everyone involved. But I have no idea how to get over it other than constant reassurances from the other party. Which can't happen because they're busy. And I start feeling like a needy and whiny and far too codependent for my own good. There's also the compulsion to shut down and not address the problem at all rather than reach out and address the problem at hand. I have a tendency to hide behind the mask of "I'm fine really" rather than express the hurt I'm feeling. I do this until it all boils over in one great spout of anger. I'm getting better at reaching out, but still I feel like it's stupid and silly to do so. Like I'm encroaching on time that could be better spent NOT making others deal with my neuroses...

I CAN get through this. I AM getting better, I'm no longer wracked with worry that people are going to leave me behind. But it's still a thing. It still hurts in ways I can't quite express. I wish I had a different brain.

Addendum to the previous blog post

I'm more stable now. Not BETTER. Deep seated Abandonment Issues don't just disappear after all and it'd be completely unreasonable to assume that they will. I do however feel the need to state that I'm on more even ground now. I can get through this and come out stronger the person (well people really) in question won't be gone forever. And in a way it's good that they aren't around near constantly right now. I need to stop using people as a crutch and learn to stand on my own two feet damn it.

In all seriousness I'm happy for my friends who are doing well for themselves. I just don't want to be left behind is all...which means I need to start putting myself out there more. Take some risks and forge new alliances and friendships while my other friends are off spinning their lives the way they want them to be. Just please don't forget me OK guys...

On Abandonment Issues and Low Self-Esteem

Ah yes rainbows and euphoria can only get me so far. I find myself struggling with both issues right now in spite of the fact that I have come to realize that I am awesome and have nothing to feel sorry for. I know the root of these problems. It's just difficult to deal with. Like I kind of don't want to be writing this blog right now. I'd rather be doing something ANYTHING than facing these issues head on.

Over the last few days I can't shake the feeling that I'm an ungrateful pest. That I'll never find a normal healthy relationship. That I destroy everything I touch. Fuck I hate feeling this way. I hate feeling needy and unwanted. I know it's not true. My friends love me. I have value and worth, but still I feel...abandoned, used, discarded. It's not just one thing. It's a lot of little tiny things that almost everyone does.

I should back up and explain. I have these issues because of my relationship with my father. Yeah while I don't have the traditional Daddy Issues I do have a shit ton of issues regarding my father. Most of them I won't get into right now. This one only rears its ugly head when my friends are doing great in their lives. When they are all busy and don't seem to need my shoulder. I hate that I feel this way when I SHOULD be feeling happy for them.

I hate this self-pitying bullshit and yet I can't shake the feeling that I'm being left in the dust. I honestly have no idea what to do with these feelings. I feel selfish and like a horrible human being for feeling this way. Like I've expected too much from people. Like it's my own damn fault for relying on others so much. Fuck I should know better than this. Why can't I be happy for the people I love when their lives are going well? On the other hand why can't I be there for other people I love without blowing up in their faces?

I guess the root question is why the hell am I such a screw up? Why can't I ever be normal? Yeah I know I talk a good game about screwing being normal and how being weird and interesting is awesome, but deep down I'd dearly love to be normal in the way I do close relationships. I feel like an emotional black hole. I keep sucking in all the positive things around me but none of it can escape my self-loathing gravity. I can't seem to give back.

Ahhhhh. STOP WITH THE SELF PITYING BULLSHIT KAYLA. JUST GROW UP FOR FUCKING ONCE AND LEARN TO DEAL WITH THIS SHIT. STOP TRYING TO GRAB SYMPATHY. STOP BEING JEALOUS THAT OTHERS ARE DOING BETTER THAN YOU AND. JUST. DEAL.

Shit. This isn't working. I just feel worse now. I'm going to stop writing before I start really tearing myself down. I'll revisit these issues when I have a clearer head. For now I think I just needed to spew words.

What I Believe

AH! So I have returned to the original purpose of this blog. Which was to sort out what I believe and why. Which means that it's list time I suppose. I do loves me some lists, but this one is going to be harder for me. So much of my life has been taken up by my beliefs ones that have both done me a lot of good and ones that have done me harm. So let's start with the positives shall we.

I believe...
1. That there's a God who loves me: I've experienced too much in my life not to believe this part. Sure I've encountered a lot of hardships along the way, but ultimately my life has turned out positively. I am able to learn and grow even through the times that seem tough.

2. That I need to be doing real good in the world: Whether it be volunteering at homeless shelters, or giving my time to those that need it the fact that is that I need to be proactive and positive in my approach to others. This is Important. So many of my fellows seem to neglect this part and it's a shame.

3. Treating people like they matter is important: Yeah it's sad that I have to state this as one of my core beliefs. It's sad because it should be left unsaid, a total no brainer, a given. But it isn't. And I've had it with my fellows looking down on others because they don't fit into their little box. You know what neither do I so screw that noise.

So I guess it's time to list what I don't believe.

1. Abstinence: Yeah I've never had sex before, but the whole concept of religiously enforced abstinence is one that's fucked with my head for far too long.  Others don't get to dictate to me what I do or don't do in my relationships. That is for me and the other person to decide together.

2. That gay people are going to defile everything: Oh come on really?! Really? Yeah I'm calling bullshit on this one.

Hrm I think that's it for now. But like these are kind of huge. I think I can live with these simple guidelines and look for a good community to support me on this.

Tumble, tumble, tumble

Ahh OK first off financing the major move is looking less bleak because I GOT A FREAKING WINDFALL OF TAX MONIES!!! So there's at least some good news to report. However I'm afraid this post isn't going to be all rainbows and sunshine. I have a lot of stuff I need to deal with. And while I know I can't solve all of my problems in one fell swoop I do at least need to get the ball rolling.

All of the issues that have been brought to my attention in the last two-ish weeks are relationship issues of varying stripes. Some of them I feel comfortable talking about here, some of them just aren't suited for a public blog that while yes only one other person reads, still seems a bit like airing my dirty laundry out for everyone to see. So not gonna happen. Those will have to be dealt with in a different more privet manner it seems.

OK so I guess that narrows it down considerably. First off is my issues with Co-Dependency. This is one of the biggest ones keeping me paralyzed by the idea of romantic relationships. And it seeps into my platonic ones as well. Once I begin to trust someone it's like I forget how to function as my own person. It's the dark side of being a chameleon and something that I desperately need to squash if I have any hope of establishing stable connections. Like I'm great when meeting new people. They're fascinating and I can learn a lot about them while maintaining my distance, but the longer I know someone and the more I know about them...something changes in my brain.

I need to find my own balance, and my own sense of self-worth and I truly believe that I'm making progress towards this goal. It's just a long hard battle to fight. Every time a friend is busy that doesn't mean I've done something wrong. It just means that they're busy. I'm worth having as a friend and I can maintain a sense of self and self-worth without them being there. I actually believe that, or at least I'm starting to.

On the same token I need to stop reacting violently towards friends I've come to think have slighted me somehow. This is mostly in regards to one particular friend. And yeah she has her own issues, but really I don't make them any easier. I need to stop taking my pent-up frustrations out on them and start realizing that all they're doing is trying to show how much they care. Sure the friend in question has issues too, but there isn't anything I can do about those issues. I can only deal with how I react, and if I want to be seen as an adult then I need to calm the fuck down.

Those two issues may seem like they're on opposite ends of the spectrum from each other, but I'm starting to think that the underlying issue is the same. I don't know what it is yet, but I intend to go forward into figuring it out. I need to if I'm going to survive in a city on my own soon. I'm no good to anyone in my present mental state and I need to fix it. I'm starting to believe I can without breaking.

OK this post might not make any actual sense, but I think it's helping. I'm on the verge of figuring something out...just need to go a bit deeper.

Argh and Other Such Emotions

I've been hitting a few mental/emotional road blocks over the last few weeks. The reality of the goals I've set for myself have set in and I'm...panicking doesn't even begin to describe what I'm doing right now. I don't even have the SLIGHTEST idea where to start when planning a move of this magnitude. Yes I've moved cities before, but always when I was too young to understand much about finances and how much things actually cost. Granted I probably had a better understanding that MOST eight year olds, but again I was eight. Mom and dad said we were moving so I packed my things. That was that.

Now however everything is on my shoulders. I don't have a job (at least not one that will support me changing cities), I'm not sure I have a place to live. Everything seems to revolve around money and once again I'm feeling trapped by this damn hell-hole city. I can't live here, it seems for exactly the reason I can't just get up and go anywhere else. UGH fuck this town. I need smaller steps ones that don't seem impossible but I have no clue as to where to start. 

Just *sigh* I WILL be up in Portland by the end of July, I just don't know what kind of mental shape I'm going to be in when I get there. I know it's only January and that I still have time/hope to get up there. Hell I know I'm getting at least a little bit of FinAid that's going to be HUGE. I can do this. I CAN do this. I just need to start thinking smaller. Thinking about moving my entire life up there in one large leap is overwhelming right now. 

Reflections on 2010

2010 was an interesting year for me. As I look back on it I can hardly believe that all of the stuff that happened was in the same year. The first half of the year was painfully slow, and I lapsed into a depression that I'm only now shaking off. I delved deeper into that funny thing called fandom and have come out with some truly amazing friends, something I never would have thought possible before. I'm learning more and more about myself.

In the beginning of 2010 I felt a bit rudderless. Nothing about my life was my own. My mom was directing me down the path she thought I should go, to predictable results. And suddenly I found myself seemingly without a future. Faced with the nigh on insurmountable fact that I was going nowhere in life I folded. For several months I stayed inert, resigned to the "fact" that life just liked to screw with me. 

It was about this time that I delved into two of my fandoms. Usually I'm more of a lurker than a communicator over the internet, but somehow I worked up the nerve to start up conversations to favorable results. I started using my twitter more and through that I actually got out and went all the way to freaking Texas by Greyhound. That awoke something in me. It made me realize how much of my life was being spent sitting and doing nothing. Suddenly I wanted nothing more than to get OUT. OUT of my parents house, OUT of this city, hell even out of the state to a certain extent. 

After meeting a different friend in a much closer location I've come to realize that I have the ability to change my life for the better. Screw all of the voices in my head telling me I can't. I know that this realization was a long time coming. I owe several IRL friends a HUGE thank you as well for helping me through that long loooong painful process, but at the end of 2010 after everything that had happened I just sort of hit a wall. Everything just clicked. I had two options. I could sit and mope and whittle more of my life away not doing what I really wanted, or I could make things happen.

So now I sit in the early days of 2011 with a different out look on life. I've crossed great distances at great risk to myself and come out better and stronger for it. I've learned new things and have goals that I can actually accomplish. My life is my own and no one else's. 2011 will be different than the years before it because I will make it different. I am not a wallflower, I'm a fucking force of nature. 2011 is so screwed. 

Thoughts, Goals, Rambling. You Know The Usual.

Ahhhhhhh I meant to write this sooner. Stop looking at me like that I really did. OK. So. A LOT has been happening since my last post a little over a few weeks ago. I went back to Portland and had THE BEST NEW YEARS EVE EVER!!!!111!!!!, I made goals for myself that I can actual stick to (more on that in a little bit), dyed my hair purple, and have generally gotten out the house a lot more. I feel like something really BIG and really GOOD is going to happen to me this year.

OK time for some elaboration right? Right.
1. Take Better Care of Myself: I haven't been too good to myself for the past few years. My gut has gotten bigger and I've been largely inactive. This bothers me. I know I COULD be a lot healthier and I'm just not doing the things I should to take care of myself. So I decided that this year will be the year that I eat better, get out more, make sure my skin isn't flaking as bad. You know all the usual stuff that I SHOULD have been doing all along. I'll be honest this one is the hardest for me, but I am starting to cut down on my junk food consumption and get out more. So far I'm going to chalk this up to a win for now. I still need to find a way to get more exercise. Perhaps the Wii...ah well I'll find something.

2. Go back to school: Oh this one is big. Ever since the end of 2005 I've felt cursed when it came to trying to further my music education. SOMETHING always seems to slow me down. Not this time. I'm determined. No more excuses, no more half hearted attempts I WILL be going back to school to study music.

3. Get the hell out of Eugene: This one is fairly self explanatory I think. I will be moving from Eugene by the end of July at the very latest. I just feel like I've out grown this place. As much as I love the friends I've made here something about this town always holds me back. I feel stifled and stunted. So the big plan is to move to Portland. There are still a lot of road blocks and hoops to jump through, but I can do this. I WILL do this. If only for my own sanity I need to get out of here. I realize that moving locations isn't going to solve ZOMG all of the problems I have. Since I'll be taking me with me when I move. Still though getting out on my own, truly on my own should force a few more perspective changes that I desperately need. I'm hoping that moving to an entirely different city will shake off the last bits of lethargy I'm feeling so that I can greet the rest of 2011 not to mention 2012 with enthusiasm.

So that's it for now. 11 days into the new year and I know that this year is going to be awesome. I have set goals that I KNOW I can reach. Life changing goals that can be tackled in small bits and pieces rather than things that need to change all at once. By this time next year I'll be in a new city, in school, and who knows what else. This year is GOING to be my year. I just know it.

I'm unsure as to how to begin here...there's a lot of Things I Want To Say and I feel rather limited by mere words trying to express them. That makes no sense, but it's also entirely my point. I'm just on the edge of something BIG something that will shift everything I've come to know about myself. This has happened before it's a normal part of learning and growing after all.

Those all felt...smaller than this though. Tiny epiphanies that helped me deal with life. Breaking out of the confining religious mold of my parents, some personal stuff that's hard to share. This is different something that I've always felt about myself is shaking loose. Something that always held me back when I would start to list the good things about me. The nagging voice in the back of my head that said I wasn't good enough, and that my forceful personality was a problem.

My recent travels to Portland seemed to have shaken a few ideas loose. With the help of a recently made friend I'm coming to understand that what my mom and step-dad posed as a problem is in fact an asset. I'm not Too Much, I'm just right. If people can't deal then well they were never able to accept me in the first place. And if they can't accept me then they weren't really interested in me in the first place. That isn't to say that I'm going to stop being me. I'm still more inclined to bring positivity to the internet/life in general, but I'm NOT a wallflower.

I think I'm finally ready to accept that I am so much more that I've billed myself. I'm Kayla a sweet, talented, force of nature. It's time I stopped playing around the edges of all I could be.

Yeah

dear twitter/skype friend,

Stop being cute, and smart, and funny and being the cause of so many of my geeky turn ons. Stop it right now. Most of all stop living close to me. It's getting really distracting and I don't need to be harboring a crush on you.

Thanks,
Me

Yeah so my rambling is done, but yeah things going on bein' all distracting and stuff. Heh. I'm so screwed.

... Confession Time

I don't know why I'm doing this. I don't plan on showing anyone this side of me. The side that questions. The side that is honestly uncertain as to what she believes right now. I hurt. A lot. Lately it's been getting harder and harder to connect to people I used to feel so close to people I used to rely on and think of as my safety net. My surrogate family. I'm talking about my church of course. Ah why am I clarifying? I know what I mean, and I'm the only one who is actually going to be reading this.

I guess the reason why I'm doing this whole project at all is to just get my words out. Without having someone else as a sounding board. Without worrying about if the things I've been saying are thoughts that come from me or one of my vastly more cleaver friends. Most of all I want my faith back. I want to be able to go to my church and be with the friends I've loved so much for so long and not feel inconvenient, disgusted, and detached from the whole process.

I'm afraid that somehow I can't go back to how it used to be. These past couple of years have seen me through a lot of changes. Some good, some well...you get the idea. None of that would be a bad thing, it's hardly new to me after all. One of the consequences of Saying the Magic Words when you were four I guess. I've weathered through some pretty tough crappy times in my life. Things that make this last few years look like a walk in the park really. Now however I'm missing something. My creativity seems to have drained out of me and I just don't know why. What's happened to me? I was doing great in 2008, hell I was even still holding on in 2009. What exactly has 2010 done to me? Why the sudden depression and inability to do even the barest of socialization?

I'll be honest I've never been good at this whole blogging my thoughts thing. I'm not a journal writer in general and part of me has never really seen the point of such interspective tangents. I don't really have faith that I'll keep this going. Usually nothing really comes out of these three A.M. bouts of psudo-creativity, but something's GOT to give here. I can't keep living in a creative dry spell. You I named this URL I-give-up-seriously out of sheer frustration, but it's oddly fitting. I give up. I. Give. Up. Screw trying to handle everything by hiding away in a corner. Screw editing myself to look good for people who let's be honest will never find this journal anyway. Well there you have it. An entire rambly, poorly worded, atrociously consrcted blog post by yours truly. And I couldn't careless.

See you tomorrow me.